Love Yourself First - Then Love Others

Yourself first??? Why isn’t that what the Bible calls “pride” – one of the seven deadly sins? No, it is not pride for a CHRISTIAN to love himself!

The Word of God tells us that the whole Law is about loving God, loving others and loving ourselves. “. . . You shall love your neighbor AS YOURSELF” presupposes that you love yourself. It implies that you can only love others to the extent that you love yourself. We are deceived if we accept any form of self-hate. Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, assumes that we love our bodies and will cherish and nourish them (chapter 5:28-29).

Mental health providers say that one of the most common problems they encounter with people who seek psychotherapy is guilt. People feel guilty concerning their thoughts and actions involving many situations and circumstances. They can feel guilty over what they have done, what they haven’t done, or even just over who they are.

For many, there is a genuine reluctance to make self-enhancing or even self-protective choices. They have a strong tendency to put themselves down and even may fear the repercussions of taking action to meet their own needs. This is not a rare condition, confined just to people who seek psychotherapy - most people suffer from self-rejection to some degree.
One reason for all this self-neglecting and self-defeating behavior is the way we were programmed as children and as Christians. Born separated from God, we do not know who we are, what our worth is, or what to do with our life. We look to “significant others” to mirror to us the answers to these questions.

Our view of ourselves is formed by our relationships with these people. So we end up treating ourselves - and others - as we were treated. If we were conditionally accepted, neglected, abused or abandoned as children, we are likely to conditionally accept, neglect, abuse or abandon ourselves. The rejected end up rejecting themselves.

If our needs were not recognized and met by our caregivers, we have difficulty recognizing and meeting these needs in ourselves. If a caring parent was not modeled for us so that we can internalize a caring parent, we have little to draw upon to care for ourselves.

But as Christians, many of us have been conditioned to believe that self-love is of the flesh and not of the Spirit. Self-care and assertiveness are seen as self-centered and aggressive. Providing for oneself is seen as depriving others. The Bible talks of living “according to the way of the flesh” as opposed to living “according to the way of the Spirit.” TOO OFTEN, “SELF” AND “FLESH” ARE USED INTERCHANGEABLY, so that our view of the basic self is that it is sinful at the core.

At our new birth as Christians when Christ comes to live right within us in a living union together, our true “self” becomes this living union of God and man. Our “self” becomes this mysterious two-person union – AND WE ARE TO LOVE AND CHERISH THIS UNION FOREVER.

As Christians, fearing that our appetites will dominate us if we indulge them, we seek relief from our guilt and fear by denying ourselves while providing for others – sometimes even to the point of letting others abuse and exploit us as we turn the other cheek, and by giving while we refuse to receive in return.

For many of us there is an unspoken acceptance of self-imposed martyrdom and self-belittlement as the epitome of spiritual maturity and godliness. Sadly, many dedicated Christians live a life full of “shoulds” in regard to the needs of others, but with little awareness of their own needs. A GODLY LIFE IS A BALANCE BETWEEN NEEDS AND RESPONSIBILITIES.

Probably the greatest opposition to self-love is self-guilt. Guilt serves a very important function in human beings who are all born separated from God. The process of trying to live by your own human strengths and failing because of your human weaknesses is MEANT to bring on guilt. People are drawn toward God’s wisdom and strength by this guilt over their inability to live a properly moral life. Some have to sink deeper into their own guilt than others and take longer times to recognize their need for a Savior, but the workings of guilt are a driving force toward God and, specifically toward Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord.

But after conversion and new birth in union with Christ, GUILT HAS SERVED ITS PURPOSE. There is no such thing as a “guilty” child in God’s Family! When the Father looks at you in union with Christ, He sees only the righteousness of Christ - your guilt has been removed at Calvary. Guilt for past sins, guilt for present sins, guilt for any future sins has all been eradicated.

You may say, “But what am I supposed to feel when I slip and sin as a Christian? Isn’t it guilt?” No, because guilt produces insecurity about the future. And God wants us to know a secure union with Christ.

The proper response for Christian sin is to say, “I‘m sorry, Father! This just shows me once again that your child needs you. I was not created with the human ability to control my own life. Whatever talents I have are for Your use, and my human weaknesses are to drive me to a closer awareness of my living union with You through Christ.”

This godly sorrow has nothing to do with guilt. Jesus Christ within you paid the penalty for all of our guilt and we have been declared “not guilty”. GUILT REQUIRES PUNISHMENT. But God does not punish His children. GODLY SORROW REQUIRES CORRECTION. God DOES correct us (see Hebrews 12:5-11).

For a model of self-love, let‘s examine the life of Jesus. Did Jesus take care of Himself at all, or did He proceed from one act of self-denial to the next? With a careful reading of the Gospels, we see that Jesus guarded His rest and prayer time, asked for assistance and support, said “No” to people, including family members, exercised the right to change His mind, pursued His mission despite domestic conflict, protected Himself from danger, and set limits to protect His mission.

Jesus did not hesitate to declare who He was. Knowing His worth, He received true expressions of deference and adoration, and did not feel guilty when expensive gifts were “wasted” on Him. Jesus advised His disciples to get away from tending to others for a while and rest, to be both wise and harmless, and to stay at the homes of “worthy” people while traveling to preach the good news.

Jesus taught on how to confront a believer who sins against us. He confronted situations, even when doing so was likely to “hurt feelings”.
In Gethsemane, Jesus was not afraid to ask His Father for what He wanted (three times, no less!). However, at the appropriate time He was prepared to surrender His will to the Father, for the sake of love. He exemplified beautifully the balance between assertiveness and retaliation during His inquisition by the High Priest. Struck by a frustrated officer, Jesus turned the other cheek, and then He squarely confronted the officer for his sin. For Jesus, meekness was never weakness. He never advocated that we should try to keep the peace at all cost. On the contrary, He stated that He did not come to earth to bring peace, but a sword. His motive for helping people was His compassion for them, not people-pleasing, fear of rejection, or a thirst for power.

As these examples show, Jesus took care of Himself physically, psychologically and spiritually, and His instructions to His followers were to do the same. He knew His power, accepted it and used it as He was led by His Father. He was aware of His needs and responsibilities, and exercised them both as needed. Jesus loved, respected and took care of Himself, setting us an example of one who loves God, loves Himself, and loves others.

So what is “loving ourselves”? Is it self-centeredness? Or is a healthy self-love necessary for wholeness? Loving ourselves means that we agree with God that who He made us to be is very good. Seeing our uniqueness as “very good” leads to humility, a more or less accurate perception of our strengths, limitations, woundings and weaknesses. Together with the love of God and the love of others, loving ourselves sustains us as we cultivate our talents and the different parts of our personalities, as well as pursue our (Christ’s!) interests. It enables us to accept our limitations, collaborate with God on our defects, and love our wounded parts into health.

When we love ourselves, we are also able to relate to others more and more honestly. We can let go of attempts to control and manipulate them into giving us what we should be giving to ourselves. We can attach, without becoming overly dependent or parasitic. We can interact without taking out on others frustrations that erupt from inner conflicts and self-hate. As we satisfy our legitimate hungers and work through our hurts, we are more at peace and better able to tune into others’ state of need and to reach out to them.

And, yes, there always come times when the Lord asks us to sacrifice ourselves and put others’ needs above some of our own. Healthy self-sacrifice, however, always occurs in a context of self-love and self-respect. WE KNOW OUR WORTH AND OUR RIGHTS, BUT WE ARE WILLING TO PUT OUR RIGHTS ASIDE FOR A SEASON, AS GOD PROMPTS US TO DO IT.

So in addition to our emphasis on love for God and others, we must point to the loving ourselves part of the Good News and continue to accept His work on our recovery from our own self-rejection.

The TV commercial which ends with the phrase, “You are worth it!” is true for Christians, even though it has been very misapplied to things of the world. You are a born again child in God’ s Family.

Think and act like it!

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